General Conference Caper - Part 3

She sprinted down flight after flight of steps, traversing level after level of the arena, leaving unbridled worship in her wake.  She finally made it to the ground floor, then to an entrance just to the side of the stage.  By this time, she had lost a heel, ripped the pin from her slit and her hair was sliding dangerously low on her forehead.

An usher dosed in a chair just inside the entrance.  She limped toward him, bent over, hands on her knees in an attempt to catch her breath.  She pointed towards the congregation, gasping.  "Man........money.........offering.........go!"  He just looked at her and then began to weep uncontrollably.  She reached out a hand and touched him on the shoulder.  At this, he promptly fell out of his chair, stone cold slain in the spirit.  She groaned in frustration and decided there was only one way to deal with this situation.  She ran up onto the stage.

At the sight of her, all the preachers ran off the stage single file to take a turn around the auditorium.  The organist fell backwards off of his bench laughing in the Holy Ghost and the praise team rotated their index fingers in a "do the chorus over again" sign.

Mary stepped to the microphone but her voice could not be heard above the roar of the crowd.  She could just make out the culprit as he was blocked into an aisle between two well fed sisters as one duked it out with the devil and the other treaded upon serpents and scorpians.

As she scanned the crowd a thought began to form in her mind.  As a rebellious teenager she had snuck off once to a rock concert............she looked over her left shoulder and then her right, backed up about six feet, kicked off her shoes and whispered a prayer.  And then, she ran.

She clamped her eyes tightly shut as her feet left the stage.  She was sailing, thru the air, over the crowd, and then, she made contact.  She tensed for the impact but none came.  She opened her eyes to a sea of Pentecostal women who had come together to pass her over their heads.  She was crowd surfing!!

Oh dear Lord she was crowd surfing at General Conference!  She was tempted to throw out the "rock on" sign but thought better of it as she spotted "Mr. Ponytail" struggling to get out of the aisle and knew she must act fast.  She pointed frantically in the thief's direction and her sister's seemed to understand the severity of the situation at hand for they began to pass her double time.

Just as the thief made his escape from the aisle, they launched her.  She grabbed for the ponytail and hung on for dear life.  His head snapped back and his feet came out from under him as they both tumbled to the floor.

Coins rained down.  Paper money and checks floated on the air.  Cameras flashed as the saints rushed to check Mary for injuries.  The last she saw of the culprit, he was being lashed to a folding chair by Sis. Delta Decker utilizing some of her handmade macrame belts as restraints.  Delta held Louisiana, pin opened and aimed at the thief's bicep in a silent dare for him to make a single move to escape.  A young boy with braces and a zit under his left nostril thrust a notebook and pen in her direction.  "Shishter Magnum, can I get your autograph pleashe?"

She made all of the Pentecostal periodicals.  Reflections touted her as the "sister who saved the day" at General Conference.  The Pentecostal Herald did an interview, she inspired an issue of the Apostolic Man" magazine entitled, "The Value of a Submissive Wife," and the Youth Department developed a one day Bible Study on the evils of rock concerts.

Her family had mixed feelings.  Her son Ethan thought she was "the coolest mom ever!"  Hannah vowed, with tears, that she could never hold her head high in polite company again, and Natalie couldn't wait to post the pictures on Facebook!  Her husband kissed her soundly on the lips and told her she was the prettiest crowd surfer he had ever seen as he revealed to her a brand new Coach bag from behind his back.

Late one night, months later, she and her husband snuggled beneath the covers reminiscing on the events of that night at General Conference.  "You did a real brave thing honey."  Her husband said.  "Just don't make a habit of it, okay?"  Mary just smiled.

General Conference Caper - Part 2

Delta Decker was known for her extremely flamboyant outfits, hairdos and decorative handmade accessories.  One had to prepare oneself to greet Delta, lest one gape in shock and awe at her appearance.  Noting Susan's bloodless lips and wide eyes, Mary knew it was going to be a "bad one" this time.

Mary turned and gasped in spite of herself as a bright fuchsia suit sporting huge gold buttons came towards her and Susan.  Accompanying the suit, were a pair of custom dyed, to match the suit, ankle strapped shoes, each sprouting a large pink peony at the toe.  In her hand, Delta carried a purse of the same color, also blooming peonies.

On her left shoulder she wore one of her own creations.  The State of Texas, done up in white fur, sprouted turquoise feathers where Austin, Houston, San Antonio and Dallas would be on a map.  Her hair was a sight to behold.  One great curl lay smack dab in the center of her forehead.  Mary's finger's itched to move the thing, but alas, it was anchored solidly there by an abundance of Aqua Net.

Delta enveloped Mary in a bear hug, the overpowering scent of Jovan Musk assaulted Mary's nostrils.  "Oh, Sister Magnum!  Do stop by my booth at the Exhibit Hall.  This year I am featuring all fifty States in my lapel pin collection!"

Mary pasted a smile to her face, tempted to scratch her nose where the great cities of Texas had tickled it and nodded her head in mock interest.   She silently thought to herself, "It'll be a cold day in Arizona before I wear a State on MY shoulder!"  Mary extricated herself from Delta's embrace and waited as she conducted the same routine with Susan, and then, they were off to find a good seat in the auditorium!

Later, in the Sanctuary, Mary retrieved a tissue from her purse and dapped at her eyes and blew her nose.  Oh the Foreign Missions presentation had been so moving!  She and her husband had put their heads together in earnest discussion, speaking softly so as not to be heard and had settled upon a substantial amount to give in the offering.  She would have to put off the purchase of that Coach bag she had been eyeing, but some Missionaries wife would have a new washer, dryer or refrigerator, and for that, a sense of peace and satisfaction settled in her chest.

As the dear Brother droned on and on about facts and figures, Mary reached into her purse and retrieved her handy dandy little binoculars she had purchased some time ago especially for Conference.  They were a MUST HAVE in her opinion, the better to keep an eye one's children, she told herself as she scanned the crowd to see who was wearing what and who was sitting with whom.  

There was her son Ethan, with the Steven's boy.  Both held cups of soda in one hand whilst playing paper, rock, scissors with the other.  There were the girls, Hannah and Natalie, a boy on either side of them.  One young man leaned over and whispered something in Hannah's ear.  Hannah erupted into giggles and slapped him on the shoulder.  Pursing her lips, Mary vowed to give them all a tongue lashing and a lecture on proper behavior after the service!

Delta Decker must be turning a good profit Mary mused, for from her vantage point, she could just make out Florida, California, Missouri and Alabama all resting proudly upon the shoulders of their owners.

As she continued scanning the crowd she aimed her binoculars toward the stage area.  She was admiring the floral arrangements when, from her peripheral vision, movement caught her eye.  Adjusting the focus somewhat, the spied a beefy man with a pony tail trailing down his back bending over something.  He was hidden from view to those on the ground floor by a large silk palm tree, but from her location, and with the use of the binoculars, she could see him quite clearly.  

He was bent at the waist foraging around in a large box of some sort, a vacant folding chair sat nearby.  He repeatedly cast furtive glances over his shoulder which caused Mary to lean forward in her seat, adjusting the binoculars for a better look.  Just then, he stood up.  Mary instantly recognized him as one of the snack bar employees from the lobby.  He spun around, giving Mary a birds-eye view of what he held in his hands.........the offering!!  The Missions offering she and her husband had just given to!  Her Coach bag money!

He began to sprint down the aisle.  The Saints, thinking a sinner had "come home" rose to their feet as if on cue, praising God for the "new convert" running the aisles.  Watching this unfold, Mary did what any sane, sensible person would do.  Here!  Hold my purse!  She hollered above the din to Susan sitting next to her.  She then tore out of her seat waving her arms frantically, screaming like a banshee.  Of course this only served to incite the entire balcony and nosebleed section into a spiritual frenzy.

General Conference Caper - Part 1

She peered at herself in the bathroom mirror of their hotel.  She wasn't totally dissatisfied with her reflection.  She was tallish, a little overweight.  Oh yeah, she had baggage in the front and a carry on under her seat, but who didn't at forty after three kids?  Her best feature were her eyes.  Soft brown, they were framed with lush lashes and nicely arched brows.  Good teeth, thanks to Dr. Fenton, DDS.  Good skin, lots of Aveeno products, water and no makeup accounted for that.  Then there was her hair.

Oh, her hair.  It was the "thorn in her side."  Some hair was unruly, hard to manage, but HERS was downright rebellious!  She quoted 1st. Corinthians 11:15 to it daily.  This evening she had tried her hand at some of the Pentecostal hairdo's that she had admired through the years.  She eyed the finished product dejectedly.  She looked like Mickey Mangum coming, Bobby Shoemake going and Sharon Keyes from an angle!  Although all of these ladies hairdo's were lovely in themselves, morph them into some sort of "hairdo ambrosia" and the results were disastrous!  By the time she realized she looked like a q-tip on steroids, the freeze-it had already done it's job and that thing was going NOWHERE!  She prodded it with a comb in one last ditch effort to manipulate it, grabbed her purse and raced to the lobby to meet her family.

Entering the gigantic convention center, she immediately began to scan the crowd for familiar faces.  General Conference was always an enjoyable time, a time to reacquaint oneself with old friends and to make new ones.  Their twelve year old son Ethan headed off to the snack bar with the Steven's boy.  Their fifteen year old twins, Natalie and Hannah made for a pre-determined  spot to meet up with friends they had chatted with on Facebook since last conference.  Hearing her name, Mary spun around to see her best friend Susan Crawford running towards her, squealing, arms outstretched.

They embraced, rocking back and forth while planting kisses on one another's cheeks.  Friends since childhood, they both been bridesmaids in the other's weddings.  But alas, life had separated them geographically, Mary to Arizona and Susan to California, but the miles had not dimmed their love and affection for one another.  They were soul mates, confidantes.  Their friendship had kept Verizon Wireless in business.

Then came the inspection.  "Have you lost weight?  Ooohhh, I love your shoes!  Where did you get that outfit?  You're hair!"  At that, Mary held up her hand.  "Don't even go there Susan!  I don't want to discuss the "do."  "Oh Mary!"  Susan waved her hand in dismissal.  "Your hair always looks great!"  "And you're a bad liar and the best friend a girl could have."  Mary said and leaned forward to plant another kiss on her friend's cheek.  Susan, preoccupied with something over Mary's left shoulder grabbed her and whispered, "Don't look now, but here comes Delta Decker!"